I choose Silence!!

The magic of love with the magician was all scattered in Bits and pieces. My memories with #you , brings in a  smiles and simultaneously I am  teary eyes because I might not be reliving them. 

After a long time I am penning down what I am feeling right now, with a lump in my throat, I feel choked and hard to breathe yet I am surviving.

Falling in love with you just happened! Love isn’t a game!  I felt every emotion with you.

The rollercoaster of love

What do you get for falling in love?  You get to be dizzy, slightly nauseous, like you've taken one too many vicodins.  

You get to be a little paranoid and a little suspicious. You get to always worry about someone else; you get to always put their desires and needs before your own. 

When you fall in love, on some level you give up your liberty to do all the things you want to do, whenever you want to do them. 

You get to have little to no privacy. When you love, you get to always be afraid... of loneliness, of heartbreak, and disappointment.  

But if you are lucky, you get to feel warm and safe. You get to have the privilege to know someone more than anyone else, and in ways that no one else can. You get to know them in the most mundane of ways, like right after they wake up and look like a mess, or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, when they are just sitting and surfing through their friends and group chats, like when they have   nothing left to say right before you go to sleep. 

  

You get to know someone beyond the games they play to sustain themselves in the crowd. You get to see them eating. You get to watch them engrossed in the cell phones and calls with no pressure to entertain you. You get to see them scratch their hair and rub their arm and twirl their fingers. You get to be the only person aware of their silly little quirks. You get to witness them in their most elemental form. For me, that was exhilarating.  To be with him!!

You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or Mutton tonight?” “a small walk or sleep?” “Dress or Jeans?” “you / me  or us?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of a lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s wrong with the world. You don’t want to be the one they need to be protected from. No they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the venom they’ve been made to inject.  

You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment; your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry and cry in your absence. It sounds morbid but there is a certain comfort in knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone. 

You get to go on vacations together and witness new places that you would have never had the courage to experience alone. You get to revel in the fresh experiences together and smile (and sometimes laugh) at all the weird memories you've made. Like, when you get lost in the woods, or, when you get drenched in the water and scared the bejeezus out of your partner.

You also get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall crazy person, and still be forgiven. You get to test your insane theories and sadistic fantasies without being judged. You get to defame the neighbors and be totally immune to repercussions. You get to have someone who always takes your side. They support you.

You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw it. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love. 

Well, most of all, you get to be in love. 

PS: The person I shared my memories with and thought of leading a life made me a complete memory. I became his present past.

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection

I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me

I choose to adore you from distance s it will shield me from pain

I chose to kiss you in the wind for the wind is gentler than my lips

I chose to hold you in my dreams for m sure it shall have no end

I love you when my silence told more of the awe I felt for you and showed more what I could prove true. But here I am unheard – my consequences.

Someday I might regret being silent but at this very point I feel this way I shall be at peace not for me but for the happiness of the one I love.. #foryou

Nadiya ka paani bhi Khamosh behta yahaan
Khili chandani mein Chipi lakh khamoshiyaan
Baarish ki boondon ki Hoti kahaan hai zubaan
Sulagte dilon mein Hai khamosh uthta dhuaa..

Khamoshiyan aakaash hai Tum udne toh aao zara
Khamoshiya ehsaas hai Tumhe mehsoos hoti hai kya
Bekarar hain baat karne ko Kehne doh inko zara haa..

Khamoshiyaan..Teri meri khamoshiyan
Khamoshiyan.. Lipti hui khamoshiyan

Something is missing from me — it’s You.

​​

I tried not to think of you today. I tried so hard, but I failed beautifully.

You showed up, as a lone tear streaming down my cheek. You showed up as a shy ghost haunting my thoughts. You showed up, like a piece of prized jewelry, a precious heart-shaped locket that should be sitting proudly on my collarbone, but instead got lost in your own walk of life and now belong to someone new.

​ A new you

New surroundings.​

From the moment I woke up this morning, I knew something was missing.

 My smile, beaming as it was, had holes in it.

There was a stark hollowness in my bones. A tiny rip in my heart. Something dark that whispered to me in moments where it got too quiet. Something that ached deeply

Something is missing from me—it’s you.

Your heart

 Your kiss

Your voice.

I can try to pretend I’m not hurting; I can try to pretend I’m strong and brave, but my insides feel like tiny scraps of ripped lace and pretending hurts more than admitting the truth—

I miss you today.

I miss the delicious comfort of curling up beside you, our bodies tangled like pretzels in cozy, satisfied knots. I miss going for long walks, our arms linked together, for what seemed it would be an eternity, our steps matched to the frantic rhythms of our happy heartbeats. I miss talking to you about my day—and hearing about all the tiny, beautiful details of yours. I miss knowing you’d text me when you wake in the morning with a hug smiley, the miss the morning voice.

I miss you today.

There are moments where the sudden falling apart of our love feels like too much to bear. The grief comes crashing in waves, ranging from dull, to epic, and full-on unbearable. Right now, a salty wave of unbearable sadness pulses through my body, it barrels rudely through my bones—and I wish you were here.  

Being Next to me.

Holding my hand.  

Smiling your crooked little smile.

Making stupid jokes. Saying that it will be fine, there will be a new sunrise.

I don’t need you to take away my pain with your presence.

I need to be with this pain.

Alone.

It’s the only way.

But my heart still reaches out to you anyway—even though you can’t feel it. Or hear it. My fingertips reach out to join yours, but they can’t find you through this vast, echoing distance, and my touch can’t puncture these icy walls we’ve built up around us.

For a tiny, tortuous second, I swear I feel your soft kiss in the breeze, I swear I feel you thinking about me, but it’s not; it can’t be. All that hangs in the cool afternoon air is the unfamiliar scent of a future without you in it.

I exhaled and swallowed sharply, walking back inside slowly to go about my day, which is now about to end

As long as my heart is beating, life must go on.

Even though I am hurt.

Even though I ache.

Even though I can’t think straight.

As long as my heart is beating, life must go on.

Life must move forward, even if it’s moving forward without you.

Because I know deep down, we tried. We tried so hard. We tried too hard. We tried until we were empty and hollow, exhausted and angry, not a drop of understanding left in our hearts. We tried until we yelled and screamed and couldn’t possibly try for a moment more.

We just couldn’t close the growing gap between us. We couldn’t compromise without compromising ourselves.

And that’s okay—our painful parting is a strange relief in its own twisted way.

But, today, it hurts. It hurts like a freshly cut wound. My insides feel like tiny scraps of ripped lace and pretending I’m fine hurts more than admitting the truth—

I miss you today.

So, I make space for missing you. I honor all that you meant to me, because you meant so much. You were a blazing light in my heart, a spark of inspiration to my thirsty world, a warm, tender love who challenged me and changed me, deeply and deliciously.

I honor you.

I can’t pretend this pain away, because I don’t want to.

I miss you, in this moment, more than I’ve ever missed anyone.

And that’s where I am. It hurts, it throbs, it stings, but it’s also okay.

Because this sadness is so goddamn beautiful in its own way.

It’s like a dark red rose—ominous, surrounded by wickedly sharp thorns, but full of undeniable hope and unthinkable beauty.

And so is this moment.

Yes. I’m crying. But each tear shimmers with hope, it reeks of beauty, it pulses with the pristine possibility of solitude, of smiles yet to come, adventures yet to take, sweet memories to be made—even though the raw hurt of being without you still rattles through my entire body.

I miss you today, my sweet once-lover.

I miss you a lot.

PS: When you can see someone’s ugliness, weaknesses and short-comings—and still choose to love them—that’s real

Tears are words the heart can’t express

Sometimes emotions take the best of us. I hate my emotions when I am not able to control them. I hate the emotions that make me want to do something that I know is wrong or that will bring bad outcome, but still I just want to do what my heart desires.

I believe one should follow his/ her heart. I believed that until now. Until now when I followed my heart and had to pay a very heavy price for it. A heart which was dead but was alive with someone.. For someone

Sometimes, you want to forget about people, forget about your life, forget about the consequences and just live the moment. Live the moment you have always longed to live.

Why emotions? Why emotions and why me?

“These ruthless emotions are taking the best of me tonight.”

Trying to push these thoughts away from my mind I decide go to crosswords. I come out of my house and the cool, beautiful wind tries to play with my hair. When my hair touches my face, it reminds me of his fingers—his fingers that have touched every part of my face.

It's amazing how I can still feel them. 

I reach the desired destination, fighting across the heavy traffic in Ahmedabad on Sunday evening.

I go to Crosswords but couldn't enter the gate and change my destination to the top floor of the building.

( can be my last day )

I don’t remember when I started walking towards the far corner of the terrace instead of going to crosswords which I thought could divert my emotional turmoil.

But what hooked me was the view of the sun setting which is seductive and I am pulled towards it. I am letting my emotions take control. 

As I approach the highest corner, where I can sit by the wall and see the sun set, my iPod starts playing the song,  “ Koi Jane na”.

 Yeah, like it knew what I was thinking!! I let it play. I let my soul embrace the words as I let my body sit there. The wind is strong here. It plays with my hair and for the first time I don’t care if I look awful because my hair is going all over the place.

I sit and see the sky, the clouds, the sun,  the busy roads, and the hustle bustle of the crowd from the far corner, I sit and I think. The sky turns red in a matter of minutes as if it is on fire. It seems cool in the beginning but if you look closely, it is wickedly red.

Tonight, the sky is just like me. It is calm and cool yet it is burning. It is screaming and burning yet everyone thinks it's so cool###Loudest Mystery

The wind chill is making me cold now. I didn’t realize it would get cold since I was not planning on coming here anyway. I cross my arms in order to generate some warmth but to no avail.

Tonight there is no one to offer his jacket. I don’t have an option to take a jacket or to share one with someone. I know I won’t have that, not for a long time anyway.

Suddenly, I just want to break down and cry. And I cry profusely. I tried to hold it in, but I cried my eyes out

They say a person in any of life’s relations will never be completely free of delusions.

The mere idiotic thoughts….

The fears..

The feelings of Loneliness

“These God damn ruthless emotions…”

Tu nahi tu mera dil udas, 
Mujhe harr ghari hai bas teri aas
Mera dil kahey tu rahay pass pass 
Yeh hai, kaisa deewana pan?!

My heart is sad without you,
I am holding on to hope
My heart cries out for you
What is this madness?

PS: ...you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.