Clouds suit my mood just fine !! Right Now

 One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

This place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine the same hectic schedule starts. But I have  become too much of an over thinker now. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. 

Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again 

better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. That doesn't mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn't do anything new now. But I realized let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn't mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged myself and he never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes it’s important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because in spite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post-midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that at least he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. Yes, at office though I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.

Cessation !!!!

Coup de grace is what we have had many

Many I call lack of closures

Cessation is what I seek now

Now is the time says the heart.

Heart only loved the one that was you

You were indeed the changed persona

Persona that made me pity your fate

Fate that made you leave all that was true.

You came back running after all these years

Years when I thought of how to confront your lies

Lies are what that still define how you belied me

Me was the innocent fool who knew nothing but love.

My heart finally knew that I had learned to say ‘No’

‘No’ was something I never knew when you were around

Around you existed I am glad,  for I cherish memories

Memories indeed made me the person I am today.

I pray today for you to no longer test the patience

Patience I still keep to somehow maintain this friendship

Friendship I cherish for the promise I once made

Made to the one I trusted way too much.

Life has indeed moved quite much from the past

Past taught me the lessons and I am glad

Glad it ended when the time was just right

Right or wrong were you, I no longer think.

In my words I found the peace when you left

Left me in tears, its they who gave solace

Solace is in this writing which is now the passion

Passion to create I found, and with it give you cessation.

 

Song of the day -: Phir le aaya dil..

Every moment was Precious

One of the saddest things in life is the things one remembers. 

 Loving you was my favorite mistake !!!

Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness…

How do you walk away from someone you love

And take the road of death;
Can you reroute the course you have taken

And start over once again?

A room full of reflections. It’s shaped like a circle, each wall hidden behind mirrors. There are many of them, all different shapes and sizes. They’re just like any other ordinary mirrors, except they aren’t.

In the center of the room stands Pri. She’s smiling, her face bright with happiness, not even the slightest of hints of depression shown. As she looks around though, she becomes confused.

Each mirror is reflecting her, nothing unusual there. But as she looks closer, she realizes that every mirror has its own image. It is still the girl in the center, but shown in different ways.

One mirror shows her frowning, tears slipping down her face. The clothes she wears are different too, longer and darker. Another shows her angry, eyes clouded with burning passion, hair long and rough. 

This continues with all the others, every ugly emotion shown.

Pri starts to get overwhelmed. Beads of sweat line her forehead as she struggles to figure out what is happening. Her hands shake and her eyes grow frantic, jumping from each and every one of her twin appearances.

She snaps and moves forward. Glass scatters the floor as she pulls her blood filled hand back. But as soon as that mirror disappears, another one takes its place. A different image. She smashes that one too. Another comes back.

She’s frustrated. She can’t think. She only wants them all to be gone. More and more mirrors shatter, more and more come back. The floor is now covered in glass. Her fists are red with blood, but she doesn’t care; doesn’t stop.

Finally, tired and destroyed, Pri collapses; gives up. Her eyes close and she covers her ears. It almost seems as if the images are mocking her.

“She cracked!”

“No longer can she hide from us now!”

“Our time to shine!”

“Can’t pretend any longer…”

It’s almost as if they’ll never stop. And she can’t take any more

You know this girl.

Her hair is neither long nor short nor light nor dark. She parts it precisely on the side.

She always has a date to the dance, but is never anyone’s first choice. In point of fact, she’s nobody’s first choice for anything.

She is the one who prefers books to people.

She knows there are other people who have it worse—she isn’t poor or ugly or friendless or teased

She is pretty and she does drink and drive. And she says yes to drugs. And she is always where she says she will be. And she calls when she’s going to be late. And she feels dead inside.

Sometimes she thinks she will scream.

And now raising a shard to her wrist, she trails it along. Now she’s bleeding from her arm as well.

Shsssss....

Silence.....

PS: On some quiet tomorrow
you will realize things were better this way.

We no longer know each other <3

 **Shattered thoughts... shattered oneself.. Perfect example when even words leave you when you begin to write emotions...

Something is missing from me — it’s You.

​​

I tried not to think of you today. I tried so hard, but I failed beautifully.

You showed up, as a lone tear streaming down my cheek. You showed up as a shy ghost haunting my thoughts. You showed up, like a piece of prized jewelry, a precious heart-shaped locket that should be sitting proudly on my collarbone, but instead got lost in your own walk of life and now belong to someone new.

​ A new you

New surroundings.​

From the moment I woke up this morning, I knew something was missing.

 My smile, beaming as it was, had holes in it.

There was a stark hollowness in my bones. A tiny rip in my heart. Something dark that whispered to me in moments where it got too quiet. Something that ached deeply

Something is missing from me—it’s you.

Your heart

 Your kiss

Your voice.

I can try to pretend I’m not hurting; I can try to pretend I’m strong and brave, but my insides feel like tiny scraps of ripped lace and pretending hurts more than admitting the truth—

I miss you today.

I miss the delicious comfort of curling up beside you, our bodies tangled like pretzels in cozy, satisfied knots. I miss going for long walks, our arms linked together, for what seemed it would be an eternity, our steps matched to the frantic rhythms of our happy heartbeats. I miss talking to you about my day—and hearing about all the tiny, beautiful details of yours. I miss knowing you’d text me when you wake in the morning with a hug smiley, the miss the morning voice.

I miss you today.

There are moments where the sudden falling apart of our love feels like too much to bear. The grief comes crashing in waves, ranging from dull, to epic, and full-on unbearable. Right now, a salty wave of unbearable sadness pulses through my body, it barrels rudely through my bones—and I wish you were here.  

Being Next to me.

Holding my hand.  

Smiling your crooked little smile.

Making stupid jokes. Saying that it will be fine, there will be a new sunrise.

I don’t need you to take away my pain with your presence.

I need to be with this pain.

Alone.

It’s the only way.

But my heart still reaches out to you anyway—even though you can’t feel it. Or hear it. My fingertips reach out to join yours, but they can’t find you through this vast, echoing distance, and my touch can’t puncture these icy walls we’ve built up around us.

For a tiny, tortuous second, I swear I feel your soft kiss in the breeze, I swear I feel you thinking about me, but it’s not; it can’t be. All that hangs in the cool afternoon air is the unfamiliar scent of a future without you in it.

I exhaled and swallowed sharply, walking back inside slowly to go about my day, which is now about to end

As long as my heart is beating, life must go on.

Even though I am hurt.

Even though I ache.

Even though I can’t think straight.

As long as my heart is beating, life must go on.

Life must move forward, even if it’s moving forward without you.

Because I know deep down, we tried. We tried so hard. We tried too hard. We tried until we were empty and hollow, exhausted and angry, not a drop of understanding left in our hearts. We tried until we yelled and screamed and couldn’t possibly try for a moment more.

We just couldn’t close the growing gap between us. We couldn’t compromise without compromising ourselves.

And that’s okay—our painful parting is a strange relief in its own twisted way.

But, today, it hurts. It hurts like a freshly cut wound. My insides feel like tiny scraps of ripped lace and pretending I’m fine hurts more than admitting the truth—

I miss you today.

So, I make space for missing you. I honor all that you meant to me, because you meant so much. You were a blazing light in my heart, a spark of inspiration to my thirsty world, a warm, tender love who challenged me and changed me, deeply and deliciously.

I honor you.

I can’t pretend this pain away, because I don’t want to.

I miss you, in this moment, more than I’ve ever missed anyone.

And that’s where I am. It hurts, it throbs, it stings, but it’s also okay.

Because this sadness is so goddamn beautiful in its own way.

It’s like a dark red rose—ominous, surrounded by wickedly sharp thorns, but full of undeniable hope and unthinkable beauty.

And so is this moment.

Yes. I’m crying. But each tear shimmers with hope, it reeks of beauty, it pulses with the pristine possibility of solitude, of smiles yet to come, adventures yet to take, sweet memories to be made—even though the raw hurt of being without you still rattles through my entire body.

I miss you today, my sweet once-lover.

I miss you a lot.

PS: When you can see someone’s ugliness, weaknesses and short-comings—and still choose to love them—that’s real

I am that Girl!!

To the guy who wanted to show me his place because he “just installed” new lights on his balcony.

To the guy who rubbed the side of my arm while he kissed my forehead and told me I was adorable.

To the guy who kissed me so slowly and passionately I could barely breathe.

To the guy who carried me to his bedroom and whispered in my ear that I was the first girl who had been in here since he moved in.

To the guy who undressed me slowly and told me how beautiful I was.

To the guy whose chest I laid my cheek on as we laughed and giggled in bed.

To the guy I thought was different.

To the guy who I never,

ever,

heard from again…

I’m the girl who showed up that night as my raw and real self.

I’m the girl who asked questions, because I was genuinely interested—and I am the girl who was truthful and unafraid to share stories and experiences from my own life.

I’m the girl whose stomach was filled with butterflies the moment you grabbed my hand.

I’m the girl whose mind raced in panic as we made our way into the bedroom.

I’m the girl who wondered if you would be different.

I’m the girl who closed her eyes tightly anyway, and let you in—all in.

I’m the girl who laughed at your jokes and hung on to every single word you said.

 I’m the girl who went home alone.

I’m the girl who sat in the hot shower until 2:30 in the morning, sobbing.

I’m the girl who checked my phone for days to come.

I’m the girl who sent random, but lighthearted, “Are you still alive?” messages.

I’m the girl who had to delete your number when I was drunk, so that I wouldn’t be tempted to call you.

I’m the girl whose heart is just too big to not get broken.

I’m the girl who loves deep and hard.

I’m the girl you might barely remember.

I’m the girl you don’t deserve.

​PS: sometimes get out of your shell and try and be in that someones shoes to know the real hurt.​

Dear You (Memories)

I will never understand how a distant faded memory sneaks its way into your mind on a perfectly busy day and just refuses to let go.
I will never understand how no matter what the current dynamics of the relationship, glimpses of what 'once had been' visit you especially when you least expect it...sometimes in days, sometimes in months and sometimes in years.

Some emails stayed undeleted...
Some letters remained unburnt...
Some conversations got permanently archived...
Some precious imprints got etched in the memory...
and you and me, I guess in some far away recess of my tired mind, we are always there---loving each other, hating each other, at logger heads with each other...or perhaps in perfect harmony with one another.
 I do not know if memories are excuses to break away from the rest of the world. If they are, then perhaps you are helping me.
Some relations will forever remain inscrutable. Some people, forever indispensable.

Maybe, just maybe, in some parallel universe, you and me are still together. laughing at the confusion between us in the here and now.

Dear Readers :

This is my last post and  henceforth I shall not be writing.
Writing was my medium to bring out my thoughts but lately I have realized it has no meaning and it became one more medium of pain.
I know I am breaking a few hearts but then I guess I am good at it.

Stay blessed everyone :)

Midnight 12:00 I ll be off air

For someone ' I knew '

I sometimes wonder what goes on in your mind when someone mentions my name to you.

Do you feel a lump in your throat? Does a silent tear creep up in the corner of your eye?

That empty feeling inside your heart, that pricking sensation in your chest, a skipped heart beat, racy pulse, that cold gush of blood flowing through your veins and reaching your head, do you feel all that, or is it just me?

 I was so in love with him I couldn’t see straight. The saddest thing was he felt the same way about me.

It was very easy in the beginning. All we had to do was laugh at the same things and love took care of the rest. I had never felt so connected to another person like I felt for him

He would always say it felt as though I was made for him. How glad he was to have met me. We were so sure of what we felt. We should have held tight, onto that certainty.


Now that we drifted apart, when someone mentions your name to me, it’s as if the whole world stops…or perhaps is set in motion. I can’t really figure out .I cannot really place a finger on it. I have asked you en number of times,’ what I meant to you’.  But I never really got an answer. May be that’s what you feel for every girl in your life and that’s why I was never special, like you were to me.

The dilemma of my thoughts never cleared, however I can only tell you that the ache has worsened into a phantom pain, the void deepened into a bottomless abyss, and the silent symphony I once enjoyed is slowly turning into a monstrous cacophony.

The slightest mention of your name makes me smile in confusion; what do I call us -restless lovers who failed the test of time, or strangers who were only meant to cross paths and move on? I gulp in silence.

Do I know you, they would ask me. I thought I did, I want to say but bite my tongue instead.  Did I ever really knew the REAL you.

People who knew us as friends ask me what happened. I wish they would ask you the same. Why should I be the only one feeling uncomfortable? Why should I be the only one subjected to the discomfort of providing a sensible explanation for a senseless drift? No parting words exchanged, no formal goodbyes…But for you its gonna be so easy because majorly no one knew what we exchanged. You were way above hiding. Rather the best at portraying.. I never existed.. But I guess it was destined to happen this way. We were drifters from the start, drifters who on finding one another had perhaps committed the folly of settling down a little too long, before they realized it’s not in their nature to do so, and the best commitment was one sided- you were never involved.

There is never one particular reason why two people are pulled apart, and I have stopped looking for answers. I know better now, that love is never a guarantee. Not when you have the rest of the world to contend with.


 PS: I know loving him has taught me something about myself

“Our footprints in the sands of time will forever remain; perhaps yours always a couple of steps ahead of mine…”