Let them Go....

 Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Not only because we are letting go someone or something we really want and desire, someone we really love; but mostly because we tend to see it as “I failed” or “I wasn’t enough” or “I should have done this or maybe that” or “what is wrong with me”, “I am not loved” or “I don’t deserve it” OR “The Bitch”, “The Bastard” “I Hate him/her”, “He/she doesn’t deserve me”, “After all what I did?!”. SO we tend to try, to beg, to be super glued, to pray, to cry, to change ourselves maybe! to wait, to compromise, to follow, to seek revenge, to show them other people want us, or whatever that we do to channel this Anger or Pain of losing this person…and we never stop to ask the question why? no matter how confident we are we never stop asking ourselves “why?”

The Way I See It:  : It is hard to let go because we are AFRAID, because we do not TRUST ourselves enough and because we don’t have enough FAITH to let go and keep going KNOWING that we will have what we deserve in this life. We need a lot of healing, self-love, self-forgiveness and trust to let go and move on. I wish all of us to master the art of Goodbyes and Letting Go because after all …we will never know maybe it will come back to us or maybe we will have something or someone even better!…… so let us all stop being afraid/tired/bitter/angry/ of having another love story, another person, another job, another car, another dress, another friend and have faith in ourselves, God and the universe to give us what we believe we deserve. And YES our destiny is NEVER EVER tied to anyone who has left.

Song of the Day:

Der Lagi Lekin  Maine Ab Hai Jeena Seekh Liya  Jaise Bhi Ho Din

Moments....

 Sometimes there are moments when you want to say a lot but don’t have right words.

Thoughts hit you badly... You are kind of numb.. Nothing excites you... Nothing pulls you down...

These are the moments when it’s hard to pretend as everything is going fine, moments in which one wants to be oneself, without caring for others.

Moments in which one gets tired of smiling or crying... Just want to be alone... away from all the chaos of life...

Don’t have anything to regret... Coz whatever happened... Was the right thing to do at that moment...?

I did whatever my heart felt and my mind agreed to do... So how can that be wrong now which was so right at that moment... no..?

Sometimes you keep yourself awake whole night long... Coz you don’t wanna dream... Oh! Yeah, it’s been long time I saw a dream. Though I called myself a dreamer, but it’s a different story now...

 

 I am tired of smashing my dreams with my own hands... I am tired of expecting that some miracle will happen and things will change...

No, truth is that whatever is gone is gone... You can’t change time... how can you expect when you can’t even change yourself...

It’s about how well you gather yourself again. Can you be so weak that a mild breeze of emotions can carry you away from everything? Or you are strong enough to sustain the blow.

Depends totally on you which way you wanna treat yourself... Like a lost soul or like the real YOU which you deserve.

Tootkar bikhar jana is not a thing to be proud but tootkar sambhalna us lamhe ko dil mei chupa kar rakhna aur fir aage badhna is what we call life!!

Song of the moment-

yeh honsla kaise jhuke... yeh aarzoo kaise ruke.. manzil mushkil to kya.. dhundhla sahil to kya.. tanha ye dil to kya ho...

I choose Silence!!

The magic of love with the magician was all scattered in Bits and pieces. My memories with #you , brings in a  smiles and simultaneously I am  teary eyes because I might not be reliving them. 

After a long time I am penning down what I am feeling right now, with a lump in my throat, I feel choked and hard to breathe yet I am surviving.

Falling in love with you just happened! Love isn’t a game!  I felt every emotion with you.

The rollercoaster of love

What do you get for falling in love?  You get to be dizzy, slightly nauseous, like you've taken one too many vicodins.  

You get to be a little paranoid and a little suspicious. You get to always worry about someone else; you get to always put their desires and needs before your own. 

When you fall in love, on some level you give up your liberty to do all the things you want to do, whenever you want to do them. 

You get to have little to no privacy. When you love, you get to always be afraid... of loneliness, of heartbreak, and disappointment.  

But if you are lucky, you get to feel warm and safe. You get to have the privilege to know someone more than anyone else, and in ways that no one else can. You get to know them in the most mundane of ways, like right after they wake up and look like a mess, or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, when they are just sitting and surfing through their friends and group chats, like when they have   nothing left to say right before you go to sleep. 

  

You get to know someone beyond the games they play to sustain themselves in the crowd. You get to see them eating. You get to watch them engrossed in the cell phones and calls with no pressure to entertain you. You get to see them scratch their hair and rub their arm and twirl their fingers. You get to be the only person aware of their silly little quirks. You get to witness them in their most elemental form. For me, that was exhilarating.  To be with him!!

You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or Mutton tonight?” “a small walk or sleep?” “Dress or Jeans?” “you / me  or us?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of a lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s wrong with the world. You don’t want to be the one they need to be protected from. No they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the venom they’ve been made to inject.  

You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment; your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry and cry in your absence. It sounds morbid but there is a certain comfort in knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone. 

You get to go on vacations together and witness new places that you would have never had the courage to experience alone. You get to revel in the fresh experiences together and smile (and sometimes laugh) at all the weird memories you've made. Like, when you get lost in the woods, or, when you get drenched in the water and scared the bejeezus out of your partner.

You also get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall crazy person, and still be forgiven. You get to test your insane theories and sadistic fantasies without being judged. You get to defame the neighbors and be totally immune to repercussions. You get to have someone who always takes your side. They support you.

You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw it. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love. 

Well, most of all, you get to be in love. 

PS: The person I shared my memories with and thought of leading a life made me a complete memory. I became his present past.

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection

I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me

I choose to adore you from distance s it will shield me from pain

I chose to kiss you in the wind for the wind is gentler than my lips

I chose to hold you in my dreams for m sure it shall have no end

I love you when my silence told more of the awe I felt for you and showed more what I could prove true. But here I am unheard – my consequences.

Someday I might regret being silent but at this very point I feel this way I shall be at peace not for me but for the happiness of the one I love.. #foryou

Nadiya ka paani bhi Khamosh behta yahaan
Khili chandani mein Chipi lakh khamoshiyaan
Baarish ki boondon ki Hoti kahaan hai zubaan
Sulagte dilon mein Hai khamosh uthta dhuaa..

Khamoshiyan aakaash hai Tum udne toh aao zara
Khamoshiya ehsaas hai Tumhe mehsoos hoti hai kya
Bekarar hain baat karne ko Kehne doh inko zara haa..

Khamoshiyaan..Teri meri khamoshiyan
Khamoshiyan.. Lipti hui khamoshiyan

Perfectly Imperfect Love!!!

​

You don’t love her by saying, “I love you.”

The above statement didn’t felt true until I actually thought about it or felt it in his eyes.

“HE” never said he loves me until I forced him but the rest followed!!

He made me feel every inch of love…

You love her in your touch; you love her by being there for her. You love her by wiping her tears away as her walls come down that she spent years crafting. 

You love her in the small bits, like when you hold her hand when it’s damp, because she gets nervous when she gets vulnerable.

You love all her imperfections, you love her in all her wrongness - because it’s in those moments when she lets down her shield, and you hold her tighter, that you understand what it means to truly love someone, to be responsible for someone.

When you commit to her - you don’t just say the words.

You understand her value - because when you’re together you feel it. You feel her love, her beauty; how her genuineness can’t be replaced.

When you’re with—when you commit to her—you don’t have one eye wandering at the options. Because you understand that those options are bullshit - it’s all an illusion, it’s just your ego saying, “I want the intangible more,” and your fears saying, “I’m not ready to be so happy, to be vulnerable.”

But in your heart you know you don’t really have another option.

She is the one who is in your heart, and you’re smart enough to know that none of those “options” will truly satisfy you, make you feel inspired, alive or understood.

You don’t feel like you a choice in the matter, because quite frankly, she is your dream girl, the one who tears down your walls; the one you hesitantly show that part of you that is dark, vulnerable, and she still loves you. She is the one you let in, because you know she is worth the risk. And you won’t risk losing her because of your pride, fears, ego or selfish ways.

Love isn’t perfect.

Love is cupping her face gently when you kiss her; listening when she speaks about her dad , her past, her fears… whispering words of reassurance in her ear, because you know she isn’t broken, just bent.

Love isn’t shiny and perfect. Love is raw. Love is the 3am fights between people who give a shit, the reddened eyes full of emotion, the intense conversations that make you feel understood, that challenge you, push you to think and be better.

Love is frustrating the shit out of each other and then stopping to gaze at them because you think, this is the problem I want to have.

Love is making an effort for it when you have found it.

You’re not worried about the future, because you understand that "more" is an illusion. 

You want to build this love. You’re not worried about settling, because you know that dating her is not the end of your liberty - it’s the beginning of it.

Love is not filtered. Love is living the fuck out of your life with someone. 

Love doesn’t get discarded for the next hit. Loving someone means making an effort for them; taking them on a crazy adventure, giving them your time, your understanding and the complete YOU

.Loving someone means remaining faithful when things aren’t working in that moment, when you fall on hard times, when you struggle, when there’s doubt.

Truly loving her means putting her first; inspiring her to reach for more, taking the risk to not put one foot out the door, loving her so much that you won't betray her, because you won't let your demons ruin this - this raw, perfectly imperfect love.

I have never been this clear with the thoughts until I met him. The moments with him have made me think towards the concept of love and evenly though he is uncertain of the love he holds for me, I have promised him not to ever force him or ask him if he once also says that I am over you!!

That’s my Love for him!!!

​​

We do not remember days.. we remember MOMENTS!!!

 Life doesn't always give us an explanation. Sometimes, things happen to us that truly don't make any sense at the time. Years later, we are still searching for answers to those lingering questions.

I've been through a lot in the short 30​years of my life. I've been through good times, a lot of bad times and a mix of everything in-between.

However, if there's one thing I truly care about and cherish, it's the relationships I hold with the people close to me.

I am in no way, shape, or form, perfect by any means. I've made my fair share of mistakes throughout the years.

I've hurt people I never meant to hurt, and for a period of time, I’ve even questioned my own character. But, throughout the years, I've learned that some people (even those who’ve been in your life a very long time) aren't always meant to stay in your life.

And that's exactly what I've learned with you.

We all change. We’re not the same people we were a year ago, and maybe even up to five days ago. We are constantly changing and evolving because we are constantly learning and growing.

If we never changed, we could never move on to the next chapter of our lives. However, there's a difference between changing and growing together and changing and growing apart.

I like to think I give people a lot of chances. I know we all have weaknesses that can cause us to say or do something we don't actually mean.

But there's a difference between recognizing the mistake and making a change and recognizing the mistake and staying exactly the same.

Trust goes a long way for me. I've learned it's something very fragile. It’s not something that should be handed out very easily.

This world is full of cruel and mixed intentions. There's a difference between trusting somebody with a genuine and sincere heart and trusting somebody who has intentions of hurting you.

For more than a year, I trusted you with my life. Although we would often go months without speaking because our lives got busy, when we finally got an opportunity to speak again, it was almost like we didn't skip a single beat.

But the second you turned your back on me, I had to let you go.

I got to a point in my relationships where enough was enough. I've been blessed with the ability to forgive people easily. But that blessing has also been a curse.

People tend to do things they know they can get away with; it's almost engraved in human nature.

You knew I would never turn my back on you, no matter how many people you turned your back on. I couldn't let you walk all over me one more time.

Don't get me wrong; there are days when I miss you badly. But one too many times is too many times. I cry my nights out just with the thoughts of what you did..

You betrayed me in one of the worst ways possible and left me hanging out to dry. True friends, true love​rs are supposed to have each other's backs. They’re supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin, to stand by each other and defend each other no matter what.

I did it for you too many times, and in the end, all it did was make me look foolish.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I would've let you continue to walk all over me and would’ve said things were okay between us when they weren't. I didn't give you an explanation because I didn't feel like you deserved one.

A true, genuine love or relation or for that sake friend​goes out of his or her way to make things right when he or she knows he or she is in the wrong. I'm not saying I didn't have my fair share of mistakes because I'm sure I most definitely did.

But you don't just turn your back on the one person who never hurt you.

I'm at that age in my life where I truly don't need anybody who doesn't need me or who treats me like nothing.

​​

I left you behind because you belong in my past, not my future.

​PS: We do not remember days, we remember MOMENTS and you were the best I had ever....​

 

YOU will always be a part of me !!!

​

 It is Saturday afternoon when thoughts of you came over me again. Whenever I think about you, I always try my best to avoid it. Why? Because I know that it will consume me again and the next thing I know is that anxiety and emptiness will constantly hit me up with no assurance when will it end?

It was hard for me to accept things though I always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Ever since I met you, my definition of happiness changed.. You came into my life in the most unexpected time.

The start will always be good. This is where a simple good morning text from you already completes my day. Everything was so magical even before you told me you like me. Definitely just enjoying each other’s company and nothing but pure bliss. Then you said you love me.

We looked into each other’s eyes and with conviction you said I love you for the second time. And from that moment, I told myself that I will entrust you my heart and I will love you from that day on. We hugged each other for the longest time, as if we didn’t want to let go. Your arms wrapped around me made me feel safe and secured. You made me feel home.

1 year. We were so comfortable with each other, we knew each other to the very core. Our plans of travelling together, especially when you came close to where we reside.. Deciding whether to live in an individual house or a flat. And lastly, we shared of how big our dreams are for ourselves. All my life, I am trained to plan ahead. I am particular with my timeline. But you, on the other hand, hate planning. You are the type of person who is very relax, go with the flow and hates planning the future because you told me that you believe that it is better when life surprises you with this-and-that rather than being disappointed because the outcome is different from the set expectations.

As they say, nothing in this world is permanent except change. And so things changed unexpectedly. While I am so focused on planning my future with you, you are so busy creating your future just for yourself and with a new someone. From our love, we feel like on top of the world to a downhill. You chose your friends over me and it made me sad because I am willing to choose you over anyone. I would rather spend my day with you driving around because I know how excited you are with cars, discovering new restaurants and trying out different meals because you love eating or simply spending the entire day in your house being lazy and doing nothing. I wanted to be your priority because you are my priority, but I can’t fight for that position in your life. I can’t force you to do the same things I am willing to do for you. You ended up spending almost every night with your friends and going home at 3 o’clock in the morning which made me so worried of you. I am worried in a sense that you lack sleep and I don’t want you to get sick and I don’t want you to be absent nor late at your office. You didn’t understand that. It tore me apart, I felt lesser and lesser, doubts are starting to get in, I am in dire need of your assurance, I am slowly getting tired but I always remind myself that this is just a phase, an obstacle that we will both overcome and make through. But we didn’t.

You left me. I am broken and shattered into million pieces. I don’t know what to do and all I know is that I can’t do it on my own and I need you. No words can describe the pain that I have felt. I can’t eat because of the continuous disappointment that I am feeling. I kept crying myself to sleep. I don’t want to go out and socialize with anyone. I wish to evaporate so that I will no longer have to endure the pain that is eating my whole system. The person who I chose making memories with is just another memory. And every time I remember how you left me, I can still feel the hurt.

Yes, up to this day, I am still hurting. But not like the first few days that I didn’t want to wake up the next day. Hurting in a sense that there are days that I miss you and you are the person I would like to share how my day went. Hurting of the thought that the person that I am not willing to give up, gave up on us just for his own self-centeredness. Hurting because the person that I loved the most is just somebody that I used to know, you are totally a different person now. Hurting to see how easy for you to let go and forget the things that means the world to me. And hurting because of the trauma and the fear to love and trust someone again.

They always ask me if I am mad at you for leaving me, the answer will consistently be “nope, I am not mad at him”. Instead I am thankful. Thankful because you made me realize that there is more to life than our love story. You pushed me away to remind me that I deserve more and to never settle for anything making me feel less. You made me feel like a failure for me to appreciate and be more intimate. You rejected me so greater things will have their way in me because I already settled for you. You made me feel empty so I can be refreshed and be filled with love all over again.

I spent a good part of my life trying to become the right person for you. But life has its own way of teaching us and sometimes it has to be dealt with pain. After all that I’ve been through and will still go through, I put my trust in God knowing that His plans are always better than mine. God gave me a year and a half of spending it with you and I will always be thankful for it. Even though He took you away from me, I know that He is preparing me for something better and there are greater things in stored for me.

You will always be a chapter that I will never get tired of reading again, not because I can’t get over you but because I have learned so many lessons from you and you will always be a reminder that I have to go through certain chapters to understand and fully appreciate the happy ending of my story.

And if ever we are lucky enough to get a plot twist and life decides to make our paths cross again, I hope you see me not just as one of your ex-lover but the girl who loved you the most.

Lesson of Love

Learned a lot of lessons,
in the short time I have lived.
I've learned how to appreciate,
and I've learned how to give.

But in these past few months,
there’s two I'll remember most.
I've learned how to love,
and I've learned to let go.
You entered my life with such a force
and left it with one as strong
and though we tried to make it last
we both knew it wouldn't be long.

I lie at night and think about
how I'm the one to blame.
If only I would have trusted you,
I could have missed this pain.

And so I spent each day of my life
with my heart in pieces.
And when I thought it could never be cured,
something happened; I expected it least.

I guess my soul was all cried out,
and it was tired of being used.
And even though I know I'm guilty,
I was tired of being accused.

And so I've learned to end this
without an urge to cry
these are my final words to you,

"I love you and goodbye.”

Clouds suit my mood just fine !! Right Now

 One of those not ‘feeling good’ day I am having and I thought maybe writing will help me little bits. What is bothering me no one knows and maybe even I don’t but whatever it must be I hope it dies soon. Just the kind of day I want to cry or maybe even howl but I cannot. Kind of day where I want to snap out at everyone and without reason.

This place has become my personal diary where I just have to take out and things make sense. One of the advantages of being semi anonymous I guess.

Now back to the problem. Life is little bit mess right but I know it will be fine the same hectic schedule starts. But I have  become too much of an over thinker now. And even worse when things go sane. Last month was in many mess, health wise mostly. 

Also, stopped being the nice one. Yet, I felt sane. And now when life is again 

better, I feel crap. Mended some old bonds and I am glad. Maybe I should not have. Caring brings the worse in me. But I need it. For my mental peace too. Also, after a brief moment, my muse disappointed me once again. And I let it die a silent death. That doesn't mean he will never make a comeback. He will be around. Just. Maybe because I dreamed of his coldness last night that I am much more messed.

Someone, destroyed me for love. And thereafter I only made mistakes. Hurt people, got hurt, became a cold persona. Stopped feeling. Became too selfish for anyone to know. Then muse came and I saw hope. He didn't do anything new now. But I realized let’s not have a story. For I am poles apart from what I was. I just lost the ability to love and patience for it. I might want a companion, but according to my whims and fancies, and that is not how it works.

This doesn't mean I stopped having fun. I share a smile, sometimes a coffee. But that is it. Last time I went ahead and formed a relationship, I damaged myself and he never cared. I became so cold that I had no morose of it ending. This wasn’t me. But alas it is.

You must be thinking a believer like me saying all this. Yes, I believe. The mushy stuff I write makes me hope. Or maybe I love my dreams. It is these imaginations which make me happy after a bad day. Fairytales aren’t for me, but I still delve in them for they are my happy quotient. I still hope I be proved wrong. But life is beyond those words and hopes. Love is much beyond those kisses and embrace. It is also about tears, separations and hurtful words. It has ability to thrash us so hard that we never pick up our pieces. I am still picking mine. I do want a happy ending, but maybe without love. But living loveless is not how God made a person like me. He filled in too much feelings in me. He made for me poetry, to feel it in the misery. He made me to give it all, and yet be happy with it. One part of it died long ago. Then I discovered the other. I relish my tales, my mush, my movie kind of imaginations. But these are things that sell. Not kind that happen to us, writers. We end up alone at times. Dying with a book in one hand and ink spilled pages in another.

Too much pessimism happened right? What to do. Sometimes smiles refuse to reach my lips. Forget eyes. In attempt to make other laugh, I lost mine maybe. Or maybe I got tired of doing things and giving all what others’ need. Maybe I do need a kind word once a while. Or be pampered with all love they have. Sometimes it is important to express, and sometimes it’s important to feel what others have for you. Sometimes all we want, is to hold hand with someone and just watch the sky at night. But even that is scary now. For then we expect and then it pains.

Once I never cared if it hurts, I was overflowing with love. Even if he berated me, I found an excuse for that and I was often true. For, he did fell in love. Just never knew how to show and was scared if he did it will hurt more. But he forgot, that is all I had to take away when he left. Maybe he was right, because in spite of showing less, I am a bundle of his memories. For he took my soul away, and one night told me, he felt that his soul left to enter mine. And that is still my most cherish memory. We were two souls, fighting a distance, having a silly lover’s conversation post-midnight on the phone and a moment changed it all. I felt a white invisible angelic force embracing me and so he did. And thereafter, I called him the soul mate. But then, it is said, soul mates never meet, for they are not meant for mundane tasks. But I never want to settle for anything less than that. But irony is no two loves are same. I might love again but not similarly. And I still hope, I still search, maybe I do have some ending. Some closure. He does the same. Even now. We still communicate in distress. But know our realities.

Some people say, we can have many soul mates. Some even call them best friends. I still wish I have not exhausted my quota. Maybe I should steal one from the heavens. But all I know is my quota for hurt is way overflowing and if I do feel once again and it goes dramatically wrong, I will be done with even hope. And that is one reason I have stopped feeling too, even if the other showers all the love. For I am wary of humans. I don’t want to be an object to be played upon anymore and I wouldn’t be. It will take too much patience for anyone to make me believe in their feelings. I just don’t hope. But if they can make me believe and crack my shield, I am sure they will be worth it. Only a messiah can heal. Only he can make me believe. And make it known that beautiful love is worth it. I hope he exists. Till then, I console my heart to be thankful that at least he has known love.

I wish, I believe, I hope……love still exists….for me.

P.S. Yes, at office though I have too much building inside and I didn’t even said half of it today. Maybe some other day. So be prepared for more such introspective rants when my mood goes disgruntled.